Charlie Marries the Waitress
by sal1ba
Summary: The waitress feels compelled to marry Charlie for financial reasons. Cue the gang all making the event all about themselves.


11.15 P.M.

On A Monday

Philadelphia, PA

WAITRESS: (STANDING OUT THE FRONT OF A BUILDING)

CHARLIE: Hey what are you... what are you doing out here?

WAITRESS: I lost my second job Charlie and now I can't afford to pay my rent.

CHARLIE: Whoa really, I mean that's terrible. Do you want a hug or something?

WAITRESS: No I don't Charlie.

CHARLIE: Well I mean you could sleep at my place with me until you get back on your feet... Or of course you could go and live on the streets in that alley over there.

WAITRESS: (LOOKS AS IF SHE HAS NO CHOICE)

(CUTS TO THE WAITRESS SLEEPING IN THE ALLEY)

CHARLIE: Listen, you can't stay out here at least let me take your clothes and things.

WAITRESS: No way am I letting you touch my clothes Charlie.

CHARLIE: Well I can buy you a hotel room or something.

WAITRESS: You don't have any money Charlie.

CHARLIE: Well I mean I _do_ have a job and an apartment.

WAITRESS: (FROWNS)

CHARLIE: But I have been saving a lot of money with Frank paying for half the rent. And I do have some money in my savings account.

WAITRESS: (FROWNS) so what you're saying is that you have money?

CHARLIE: (NODS) Yeah I have at least a couple of thousand dollars that you could lend if you just spend some time with me.

WAITRESS: (FROWNS AND THINKS)

'Charlie marries the waitress'

(MAC, DENNIS, FRANK AND DEE ARE IN THE BAR JUST CHILLING)

MAC: I am not scared of sharks.

DENNIS: You are the most scared person there is when it comes to sharks.

DEE: You are a little bitch.

MAC: I will punch a shark right in the face.

FRANK: You wouldn't you're too scared.

MAC: Put a shark in a ring with me and I will beat its ass.

DENNIS: Probably because it won't be able to breathe.

MAC: Still counts as a victory.

(CHARLIE ENTERS THE BAR SCREAMING)

CHARLIE: Whoa! Do I have some news for you! The greatest thing in the world has happened (DANCING)

DEE: What?

CHARLIE: I am getting married!

FRANK: What?

CHARLIE: Wait for it. To the waitress!

THE GANG: (SHOCKED)

CHARLIE: (ARMS APART HAPPY)

THE GANG: (START LAUGHING)

MAC: Get out of here, as if she agreed to marry you.

DENNIS: That is the most unlikely thing I have ever heard.

CHARLIE: What? Why is it so hard to believe I could get with her?

DENNIS: Well she's a four and you're a one.

CHARLIE: A one? I'm not a one.

DENNIS: Well what do you think you are?

CHARLIE: (PAUSES) a nine?

DENNIS: Noooo, maybe out of one hundred.

MAC: Trust me Dennis is being generous here.

DEE: How did you get her to agree to get married?

CHARLIE: Well she's in some financial trouble and she's finally realised she's in love with me.

FRANK: I know that game. Listen Charlie when are you getting married?

CHARLIE: Uh next week.

DEE: You're getting married next week?

CHARLIE: (NODS)

FRANK: Well you're going to need a minister, someone to marry you guys. I think I want to marry you guys.

CHARLIE: Uh I don't know, we might want to go traditional on this one.

FRANK: I am willing to marry you at sea, as a captain of a ship.

CHARLIE: Done. (SCREAMED)

MAC: Wait, wait, wait, wait I think the most important thing that you need to decide on is that I am your best man (SMILES).

DENNIS: Oh uh going to have to stop you there. I think it's obvious that I am the best man for the job.

MAC: (ROLLS EYES) you are going to have to choose Charlie.

CHARLIE: Uh...

DENNIS: Now hold on Mac, you're putting a little too much pressure on Charlie here (GOES OVER AND MASSAGES HIM) Do not worry Charlie, I believe that I will be the best man so much so that I am willing to prove to you how good I am going to be.

MAC: You are?

DENNIS: Yeah you don't stand a chance.

DEE: Well I'm probably going to be bridesmaid yes?

CHARLIE: See ah, I don't know about that. That position is filled by all sorts of people. To tell you the truth, you're pretty low down the list.

DEE: Pretty low? You and her don't know any other women.

CHARLIE: Ah...

DEE: Name the people above me.

CHARLIE: (THINKS FOR A BIT) Ah Artimus...

DEE: Oh come on Artimus is in front of me? Artimus?

CHARLIE: Listen you can be the bridesmaid okay? Just don't make it about yourself alright?

DEE: (LAUGHS) please make it about myself? Are you insane? Don't worry Charlie you won't even know I'm there.

(MAC AND DENNIS ARE IN THEIR APARTMENT SITTING DOWN. DENNIS IS READING WITH HIS READING GLASSES ON)

MAC: I was thinking Dennis maybe we should both be Charlie's best man. We are both his best friends and there's no point in fighting when clearly one of us could lose.

DENNIS: That's very admirable of you Mac but, I think I'm going to be the best man. I can't lose.

MAC: Yeah I know, but like what I was thinking is you could be the best man with me...

DENNIS: No I'm going to be the best man (NODS AND SMILES)

MAC: (SILENT FOR A SECOND) Okay, well whatever I must warn you that you have just awoke a sleeping giant. Be warned you cannot beat me Dennis. (SAYS AS HE IS WALKING OFF)

DENNIS: (SHAKES HIS HEAD)

(CHARLIE TAKES THE WAITRESS TO HIS PLACE)

CHARLIE: And welcome to my humble abode, watch out for those rat traps.

WAITRESS: Wow Charlie, this really is a pile of shit. I've been here before and I didn't think it could be any worse but I've got to say you found a way.

CHARLIE: Just... save your judgements to the end of the tour please, I know this can work. (WALKS DEEPER INTO THE APARTMENT) This is our master bedroom slash, kitchen, slash attic.

WAITRESS: This is it? Are you kidding me there aren't any more rooms in this house?

CHARLIE: Well it's more of a sty. Anyway this is our marital bed, the feature point of the apartment.

WAITRESS: Just a quick question will Frank be sleeping in our marital bed with us?

FRANK: (REVEALED TO BE UNDER THE SHEETS AND TAKING UP MOST OF THE BED) you won't even notice I'm here. Now if you two could keep it down I'm trying to have a day nap.

CHARLIE: (STARTS WHISPERING) He's a very light sleeper, but we only have to whisper for about eight or ten hours during the day and then at night. Anyway this is the part I am proud of, I've got a little children's area over here where any of our kids could play.

(REVEALS A SOMEWHAT CLEAN AREA SURROUNDED BY GARBAGE WHERE ELECTRICAL WIRES ARE COMING OUT OF THE SOCKETS)

WAITRESS: (SHOCKED)

CHARLIE: So what do you think? I did a good effort in renovating yeah?

WAITRESS: There is no way I am living here Charlie.

CHARLIE: I'm sorry what alternative did you have? Raising our kids in the forest? With wolves and sand creatures? Haven't you read Hansel and Gretel? That shit does not end well.

WAITRESS: (ROLLS EYES)

CHARLIE: Anyway I was thinking (TOUCHES THE WAITRESS' ARM BUT SHE FLINCHES HIM AWAY) I mean no pressure or anything but, while we're here in the apartment we may as well, give into our pre-marital temptations. (GETS ONTO THE BED) Come on don't be scared.

FRANK: (ROLLS OVER AND LOOKS AT THE WAITRESS) C'mon darling he won't bite.

WAITRESS: (SIGHS)

CHARLIE: (SMILES WITH HE'S EYES OPEN AND FRANK SMILING BEHIND HIM)

WAITRESS: No we should definitely wait (WALKS OFF)

CHARLIE: (FROWNS)

FRANK: So have you thought about your honeymoon Charlie?

CHARLIE: Ahhh I was thinking I'll probably have it somewhere away from here.

FRANK: Oh yeah exotic, nothing gets a girl more wet than different surroundings. Whereabouts you thinking? France?

CHARLIE: Yeah probably at Paddy's.

FRANK: (FROWNS) Paddy's? But where are you going to have the - you know - wedding night sex?

CHARLIE: You'd be surprised Frank, Paddy's is pretty intimate a private place.

FRANK: There are people walking around all day and night and there are no beds or rooms.

CHARLIE: There are some booth's that are well covered, if the people in the pub are all situated in specific positions around the room and with eyes covered in detailed spots.

FRANK: (NODS IN A CONFUSED MANNER)

(CHARLIE IS SITTING AT THE BAR WHERE MAC COMES OVER TO HIM WITH A HALF NAKED WOMAN)

MAC: How about this for best man Charlie, I have got you a stripper and she is particularly promiscuous I must say.

CHARLIE: Wow, Mac this is... you know what you did a really good job. (STRIPPER IS DANCING) It was a tough decision but I think...

DENNIS: (COMES OUT FROM NOWHERE WITH A HALF NAKED MAN) before you make your decision Charlie, check out my stripper.

MAC: (CONFUSED) that's a man.

CHARLIE: I've got to say I'm leaning towards Mac on this one.

DENNIS: I think you'll be happy with this guy he is a very attractive man.

CHARLIE: Well I'm not saying he isn't attractive, I mean clearly the man has a lot going for him.

MAC: He is a good looking man.

CHARLIE: The thing is though I'm kind of more attracted to women.

MAC: Well clearly I think that it's obvious who has won this competition (SMILES), so I think you should make your decision now Charlie.

DENNIS: Well surely Mac if you think you've got this won, you won't be afraid to let Andreas here show you what he can do?

MAC: (FROWNS) Ah okay.

CHARLIE: (FROWNS)

DENNIS: (TURNS TO ANDREAS) do your thing Andreas.

(ANDREAS GOES OVER TO MAC'S STRIPPER AND THEY START MAKING OUT ON A TABLE, VERY INTIMATELY)

DENNIS: (STARTS LAUGHING) Yes that's right Charlie, I planned all this... on your buck's party you will get to watch two people have sex. Because everyone knows the only thing on a man's mind before marriage is adultery.

CHARLIE: (SMILES AND LAUGHS) the only criticism that I could have with this, if you can call it that is – this is still a little gay, and I don't really feel like I am involved.

DENNIS: I know exactly what you mean (WHISTLES)

(AS DENNIS WHISTLES THREE STRIPPERS COME IN AND START GRINDING CHARLIE, DENNIS AND MAC. CHARLIE AND DENNIS ARE HAVING A GREAT TIME BUT MAC IS PUTTING HIS ANNOYED DISAPPOINTED FACE ON)

CHARLIE: Oh my God Dennis, this is I don't even know what to say.

DENNIS: Well hold on there partner, in addition to all this I've been keeping this cheezel for three months just in case one of my friends would get married, just to show that I am capable of holding a ring.

CHARLIE: (EXCITED) Whoa, (EATS THE CHEEZEL) Yeah you're right that is an off cheezel.

DENNIS: (NODS IN EXCITEMENT)

CHARLIE: Sorry Mac, but I'm going to have to give this one to Dennis.

MAC: (STILL ANNOYED WHILST GETTING GRINDED BY THE STRIPPER) this is bullshit.

(CUTS TO DEE AND FRANK WALKING ALONG A PIER)

DEE: What are we doing at this pier?

FRANK: Well as a captain of a ship, I'm marrying Charlie and the waitress in international waters.

DEE: Why are you marrying him in international waters?

FRANK: Because that's what you do!

DEE: No you marry animals in international waters because it's not legal. You marry people on land.

FRANK: Are you sure?

DEE: Yes I'm sure that people get married on land.

FRANK: Well either way he's getting married on a boat.

DEE: Where is this boat?

FRANK: Well I didn't want to spend too much money and I couldn't hire a boat at short notice so I got this small paddle boat. (REVEALS A SMALL PADDLE BOAT TIED TO THE PIER)

DEE: Frank how do you expect us all to get on that?

FRANK: It's deceivingly spacious.

DEE: It looks like its one metre by one metre.

FRANK: Relax it will be fine (PULLS SOMETHING OUT)

DEE: What is that?

FRANK: That's my marriage gun.

DEE: Why do you have a... have you ever actually been to a wedding?

FRANK: Sure I have.

DEE: It's a wedding Frank not a horse race. Besides that's just your normal gun

FRANK: You think I should buy a special gun? I was planning to marry you with this gun. This gun is marriage material.

DEE: It's not the gun Frank. I don't think you should have a gun at all.

FRANK: (LOOKS AT HIS GUN)

(DAYS HAVE PASSED AND THE WEDDING IS HERE. DENNIS AND MAC WALK INTO CHARLIE'S APARTMENT)

DENNIS: How are you feeling this morning Charlie, ready to get married?

MAC: (COMES IN) Yeah how are you.

DENNIS: Give it up man, I'm the best man.

MAC: Yeah but I thought... I could be like a second best man or...

DENNIS: No, that's not going to happen Mac.

CHARLIE: I'm feeling great guys (WEARING A SUIT WITH NO PANTS AND FACE COVERED IN VOMIT KEELED OVER A BUCKET)

MAC: Well you don't look great.

CHARLIE: Well if I can be totally honest for a second, I'm a little nervous guys. What if she leaves me at the altar?

DENNIS: (COMES OVER AND HUGS HIM. SPEAKING IN A SINCERE TONE) Now hold up. What if she shows up? I mean that's less likely to happen.

MAC: Yeah Dennis is right. You should be expecting the least in this scenario. Even her not showing up is a win for you. Have you been huffing glue and eating cheese?

CHARLIE: (SCOFFS) uh of course I have been, but I think I've been vomiting away a lot of their benefits.

DENNIS: C'mon let's get you up.

(DENNIS AND MAC PICK CHARLIE UP OFF THE GROUND AND AWAY FROM HIS BUCKET)

CHARLIE: Do I look good but?

DENNIS: Ah... (LOOKS AT MAC)

MAC: Well...

CHARLIE: (SMILES WITH VOMIT ON HIS MOUTH AND COLLAR)

DENNIS: I'm sure once we get the vomit out of your ears, you'll clean up nicely.

(THEY ALL GET ONTO THE PIER AND ARE WAITING FOR FRANK TO COME. SUDDENLY DEE SHOWS UP)

WAITRESS: Oh my god what are you wearing?

DEE: What? (WEARING THE SAME DRESS AS THE WAITRESS)

CHARLIE: See this is what I mean about you making it all about you Dee.

DEE: What you mean this old thing? (LAUGHS) This is just something I had lying around.

CHARLIE: Look it doesn't matter, just as long as Frank gets here.

DEE: I should point out though that this dress does look pretty good on me.

WAITRESS: (SHAKES HER HEAD IN ASTONISHMENT)

(FRANK COMES FROM BEHIND THEM WALKING ON THE PIER)

DENNIS: Frank what are you doing here? I thought you were coming in the big marriage boat?

FRANK: Are you kidding me the boat's right there. (POINTS AT THE SMALL BOAT ON THE PIER)

WAITRESS: Wait you want us to all get on that boat? Are you kidding me?

FRANK: Well it's no luxury ocean liner miss 'la di dah' but it's almost seaworthy.

MAC: Yeah I don't think I can get on that boat either.

DENNIS: That's okay. Charlie knows only his best friends will get on (SMILES AND GETS ON THE BOAT).

MAC: (DISSAPOINTED LOOK, RELUCTANTLY GETS ON THE BOAT) Listen Dennis, I was thinking even though you're the best man could I stand in the middle of the boat? On account of the risk of there being... you know sharks?

DENNIS: Sorry man only the best man stands on the middle of the boat.

MAC: (DISSAPOINTED AND TRIES TO GET INTO THE MIDDLE BUT DENNIS BATS HIM AWAY)

DEE: I thought you weren't scared of sharks Mac.

MAC: (SCOFFS) I'm not.

(CUTS TO THE MARRIAGE BOAT SITUATED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN)

FRANK: Dearly beloved we are all here to witness long time childhood sweethearts Charlie and the waitress finally tying the knot.

WAITRESS: Are you kidding me? You didn't even learn my name for this ceremony?

FRANK: Listen, don't interrupt me. This shit is hard to remember.

CHARLIE: You should let him make it official and everything, every word has to line up exactly.

FRANK: Yeah I have to get the whole thing out in order... (LOOKS INTO THE DISTANCE) ah... Do you want to marry Charlie?

WAITRESS: (LOOKS AT CHARLIE UNENTHUSIASTICALLY)

CHARLIE: (SMILES)

WAITRESS: (ROLLS EYES AND SIGHS) Yeah okay.

FRANK: And Charlie do you take the waitress to be your Mrs?

CHARLIE: Ah in anticipation of this day I have written my own vows. Most of these were written a long time ago. Ah hem. (GETS OUT A PIECE OF PAPER) You are my angel, the prettiest woman I have ever seen and... Uh (SHOWS PAPER TO DENNIS) what does that say?

DENNIS: (SQUINTS AS HE READS THE PAGE) what the hell is this... is this hieroglyphics? Oh my god Charlie, how do you neglect to pick up the English language but you pick up hieroglyphics?

CHARLIE: Well it's a lot easier than you think okay... Listen it doesn't matter, either way I want to say that I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I can make you the happiest woman in the world.

FRANK: By the law of the sea, I finally pronounce you husband and wife.

(FRANK GETS A SEMI-AUTOMATIC GUN OUT AND FIRES IT INTO THE AIR. EVERYBODY DUCKS FOR COVER AND THE BOAT STARTS ROCKING. MAC THEN HOLDS ONTO THE SIDE OF THE BOAT SCREAMING WITH HIS EYES WIDE OPEN, DEE FALLS INTO THE WATER)

DEE: What the hell Frank!

FRANK: Well you were the one who said I should get a new marriage gun.

DEE: This is unbelievable.

WAITRESS: Wait, are we married yet? Because I have just about had enough of this.

(EVERYBODY GETS BACK TO THEIR FEET EXCEPT MAC)

CHARLIE: Well we should kiss.

WAITRESS: Uh I don't know.

DEE: Can somebody throw me a life vest or something?

FRANK: Shut up Deandra, you're ruining the ceremony. Now where was I? Have I fired the gun yet?

CHARLIE: I mean I should kiss the bride yeah?

MAC: (STARTING TO CRY STILL HOLDING ONTO THE SIDE OF THE BOAT LYING DOWN)

DENNIS: They should kiss.

FRANK: Yeah whatever, I don't know where I am.

(CHARLIE GOES INTO KISS THE WAITRESS, SHE PULLS AWAY SLIGHTLY AND CLOSES HER MOUTH, THEN IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S MAKING OUT WITH HER CHIN FOR GOOD COUPLE OF SECONDS)

(IT CUTS TO THEM ALL GETTING OFF THE BOAT AT THE PIER) 

MAC: Land! (HUGS THE PIER)

FRANK: You really are a little bitch aren't you Mac?

MAC: You would too if you just survived a shark attack.

CHARLIE: So, I can't believe this happened (ECSTATIC AND DANCING) Mrs. Charlie Kelly. Are we actually married yet?

FRANK: No you both have to sign this. (HOLDS MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE)

(THEY BOTH SIGN QUICKLY)

WAITRESS: Well I am glad that ordeal is over and you know what Charlie. Now I'm going to go and get a divorce and take half of that money that you own.

CHARLIE: But wait, I mean don't you want to like live with me and make it work?

WAITRESS: No Charlie, I don't want to 'make it work' I never want to 'make it work', I hate all of you and never want to see any of you again, especially you Charlie. (RUSHES OFF)

FRANK: Hang on a minute, you have money Charlie?

CHARLIE: (LAUGHS) No I made that whole thing up. I have like five dollars in that saving account. But don't you think she's getting any of that without seeing me a lot in divorce court. (SMILES)

MAC: Well this actually turned out pretty good.

DENNIS: Hey where's sweet Dee?

(CUTS TO DEE STILL IN THE OCEAN)

DEE: Assholes.


End file.
